Be Still

I’ve never been a planner. I don’t know what my life will look like 5 hours from now let alone 5 years—except maybe spending more money on goal making planners that collect dust because my lack of planning is only bested by my ability to give up easily.

Still, this past December, I put in another good college try with a goal planner because 2020 was going to be different. I can’t write that sentence without laughing—hindsight is 20/20—hahaha—I crack myself up.

I made it through a third of the prep work designed to help me iron out my “why” that would theoretically strengthen my follow through.

I shuffled through the normal ‘write down all your impossible dreams’ pages. I was off to a stronger start than previous years—until I got the the page that asked me to describe my life 10 years ago compared to my life today.

10 years ago I was graduating college with an expensive degree in English Literature. I went to Kenya on a mission trip and when I told them what I was studying in college, they asked, “But don’t you already know English?” I think about their confused faces a lot when I watch my student loans collect interest. 

Anyways, 10 years ago I was hopeful graduating college even though I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do. Single. I dreamed of being a writer and having a family one day. I wanted to make a difference in whatever I did.

Fast forward to today, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life exactly, and I still dream of being a real writer, and I’m still single. I’m still searching for purpose and meaning.

I closed the planner and cried feeling helpless to change the current inertia of my life.

A few days later, I opened the planner again. The past 10 years haven’t been completely stagnant; I just imagined my life looking different. Sometimes when you feel stuck, it’s hard (and imperative) to remember the good.

The next part of the process was to identify common threads woven through the tapestry our lives and the hopes and dreams we’d just let bleed onto the page. I’ve always been great at finding patterns. 

When I looked back through the 10 year comparison page that caused my initial breakdown, one word appeared multiple times.

Still.

I see what you did there, God, but I don’t want to be still.

Be still. You see ‘still’ here as broken. I redeem broken things. 

But I don’t see how being still is a great way to get unstuck. I want to travel and see new places and for my life to be exciting. God, how can people know that you’re awesome if my life looks boring on Instagram?

I wish my stubbornness could be used for good and not my own foolish ways. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to be stubborn for the sake of the gospel.

I mean don’t think I actually brought up Instagram in my plea that God let my life be more exciting, but He knows my heart—and He knew I was going to fight Him on this stillness thing.

I renewed my passport the first week of January. This was going to be my year. I was going to go new places and see new wonders and get pictures or it didn’t happen.

I had to prove to my friends and myself that I wasn’t wasting my life and that it had meaning.

My sister and her friend tentatively planned a trip to Europe for the first week of April, so I told them I wanted to join—it had the makings of an Instagram story to die for. I could portray myself as the kind of person who could take last minute trips to Europe and nonchalantly jump from one city to the next. Maybe that person has the courage to face her fears…

I didn’t realize how tentative my sister’s plans actually were though—Jesus would have said they were built on sand because they fell through real quick.

I still didn’t want to be still though. I was running from myself—which is hard especially if you hate running as much as I do. I knew I needed distractions not stillness.

My best friend is the understudy for Glinda on the National Tour of Wicked, I’ve cried watching her bring to life that beautiful show as a member of the ensemble, but I haven’t been able to see her go on as Glinda yet because that usually happens last minute. 

When she finally got enough advance notice for us to be able to plan a trip to see her Glinda performance, the dates lined up perfectly with the time I already had off to go on my Europe trip that fell through, and that weekend, Wicked would be in Wisconsin.

I honestly was still beyond excited to be going anywhere and to spend quality time with close friends.

Wisconsin is kinda like being still, God. Right? Definitely doesn’t photograph like Paris, but the people who will be there are exciting, and I enjoy their company, (and I can still dress it up on Instagram—thank you overpriced English degree.)

You know what, God? I’ll actually give up Instagram for Lent. I know I’m Protestant and don’t really do the whole Lent thing, but Instagram has become an unhealthy part of my life. I can’t get on it without comparing myself and life to others, and I know that’s not right.

Wisconsin will be fun, and I won’t be distracted by Instagram. I’ll be present in the moment and enjoy the people and take pictures for Throwback Thursdays. 

Also, God, I’m going to book a Disney Cruise for the day after we get back from Wisconsin. Yes, I’ve always wanted to go on a Disney Cruise, but this is defiantly more about celebrating you miraculously saving my life 15 years ago.

Wisconsin didn’t happen. The cruise didn’t happen.

While the world seems to be spinning out of control, I’m forced to remain still. 

But the temptation to strive for meaning in how others perceive me still remains. 

I have to come out of this better. I have the privilege of all the time in the world, so I must learn Spanish, perfect my Ukulele skills, and write a book, and a screenplay, and my next comedy special…

When I finally googled the reference for the “be still” verse and read all of Psalm 46, I was humbled.

Ok, God, I give up. You win, but I don’t even know where to begin.

I’m learning to be still. Praying. Getting distracted. Listening. With only 4 weeks of actual stillness practice, I’ve fumbled a lot, but God never scoffs at my awkwardness.

I want him to wave a magic wand, but God is not our Genie even when our wish is to look more like Jesus. Instead, God plants seeds and invites me to join him in tending the soil of my heart as he makes those seeds grow. 

Growth takes time. He’s always had all the time in the world, and he’s the only one who can give our time meaning.

I do still want to travel the world and see new places. I still want to develop my writing career on purpose to encourage and bring laughter and joy to people. I want to foster meaningful and lasting relationships with the community in which God has placed me. I want to look back 10 years from now and see growth.

I don’t believe desiring those good things is wrong, but pining after only gifts when the Giver pines for my soul is foolishness. 

Striving for excitement may distract my restless heart for a moment, but ultimately leaves me empty. In his kindness, God removed those distractions for me for a season.

Being still seemed like death sentence, but I’m realizing stillness is an invitation to live soaking in all the wonder of God himself and the way he reveals his beauty in his creation, his Word, and his people.

In this stillness, I’ve felt alive for the first time in a long time.