Thoughts on Killing Myself

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist.” Oscar Wilde

I’ve always been good at finding patterns making it easy for me to recognize the destructive cycle my life has sunk into over the last few weeks.

I put up a good fight for five days a week. I try my best to stay positive in an environment engulfed in negativity.

The further I get into my week, the harder it is for me to muster up the energy to work on my dream.

By the end of my work week (Saturdays), I’m completely depleted of all my resources to function like a productive human being.

Sundays have been a miserable mix of sadness, apathy, and a dash of anger slightly greater than the anger I feel when people misuse the word literally.

“I literally died I was so surprised!” Wow, Jan how did you recover from that one?

“I literally couldn’t be happier!” That’s sad. What do you have to look forward to now since you can predict you don’t have the capacity to be any happier than this moment?

So I’ve spent the last few Sundays doing basically nothing. Not like mindless-binging-of-Friends-episodes nothing. More like hiding-under-my-covers-all-day-getting-lost-in-the-blackhole-of-my-thoughts nothing.

I’m never going to amount to anything.

Why can’t I have the self-discipline to finish anything I start? 

My life looks nothing like I imagined it would.

Self-absorption promises fulfillment, but only pervades your heart with despair—similar to expecting celery or kale to satisfy your hunger.

I just wanted to give up. Feeling hopeless, I wondered why God couldn’t just let me die. Take me home, God, I’m done living. It’s too hard.

I immediately regret those thoughts. I don’t literally want to die.

Saturday nights and Sundays have been consumed with fighting that despondency—or better yet being beat to a pulp and getting the nerve to fight back around Monday morning.

Life is a gift. I don’t want to be ungrateful and waste it.

The cycle resets on Monday as I spend the day trying to be productive and complete all the boring tasks like laundry, meal prep, washing my hair, and grocery shopping I need to finish to set myself up for success for the week.

The week starts off strong, but my strength slowly dwindles as the days pass.

The end of my workday approached this past Saturday making me excited and apprehensive. The tears came as I made it to my car and the weight of the week and all I failed to accomplish finally caught up with me.

I had no plans. I was drained. I knew I couldn’t find the strength to be productive. I wrote a little, watched a cheesy Hallmark Channel Original Movie, and went to bed early.

That was a band-aid, but I had a plan of action for the morning—Jesus.

I know He is the Sunday School answer. Roll your eyes if you must, but He is no mere band-aid.

I had been depending on my own strength in my efforts to put on a brave face at work and be a functioning adult all while trying to chase my dream of writing. To my detriment, I had put God on the back burner.

Friday morning when my alarm went off at 5:00 am, I pressed snooze and told God, “I can’t do this.”

God reminded me I was right. I can’t do this without Him.

But I’m a stubborn soul and kept trudging through on my own for a couple more days.

Sunday morning, I woke up early (not at 5:00am, but that’s another story), sat with God in his Word for a little bit, and then went to earliest service my church offered instead of waiting to attend my usual evening service.

I felt re-energized and like I could see a glimmer of hope again.

I was asking God to just let me die when I was the one slowly killing myself with my self-centered choices.

In a way, God had been answering my prayer because I haven’t been living. I’m the branch, and when not connected to the vine, I die.

Without Him, I merely exist.

I don’t want you to misinterpret me. Jesus is not some magic fix to make all your pain disappear. You don’t take a dose of Him when your heart is hurting to make you feel better like you would pop a couple of Advil when you have a headache.

He is life. He is the source of joy. He is the only solid ground upon which I can build anything that will last.

He does promise those who follow him life more abundantly because life with Him abounds with beauty, but is not free from pain.

Well acquainted with grief, Jesus suffered abandonment so He could promise we’d never have to walk through the darkness alone.

If we want to experience life to the fullest, we must learn to lean on God’s strength to take the pain in stride with the blessings.

I still have to go back to a job I don’t love and battle with my fear of failure and constant desire to choose instant gratification over self-discipline, but my gaze has shifted to the light of God’s promises breaking through the darkness of my circumstances—giving me hope.

And though we may never understand all the whys, darkness does provide a beautiful backdrop for the consolations God is creating with our lives.

———

But wait, there’s more…

In 2017 it’s impossible to write anything without offending at least one person. I never desire to offend people—unless you are one of the people who say, “OMG! It’s literally raining cats and dogs!”—you can be offended, but trying to please everyone destroys your chances of pleasing anyone.

I do have a few disclaimers for this post though—if for nothing else than to put my mom at ease.

Disclaimer One: I do not suffer from depression, but I’m not immune from having seasons in my life when I feel deep despair. I’m not trying to play a game of comparison because comparing anything including pain profits no one.

I wrote this for the same reason I write anything—in hopes that it will reassure at least one person that they are not in this fight alone.

Disclaimer Two: If you do suffer from a mental illness like depression, you are not any less of a person for needing professional help—just like a cancer patient isn’t less of a person for seeking medical help for the disease that wants to kill her body.

Depression is like a cancer in your soul, so please take it seriously and get the help you need. You matter and have a beautiful purpose. The world needs to know your whole story.

Disclaimer Three: While I appreciate your concern, this is not a cry for help on the Internet–I mean it’s kinda a cry for help to God that I shared on the Internet, but I have a wonderful support system of friends and family that uplift me in hard times. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity because that puts the focus back on me where it doesn’t belong.

Just be kind to people today. A simple smile or encouraging word could mean the world to a stranger or loved one you didn’t even realize needed help.

2 Replies to “Thoughts on Killing Myself”

  1. Funny how the last few weeks I have also been struggling to find purpose and motivation at a job I don’t really enjoy or see eternal purpose in.. the timing of my stumbling upon this post was of course designed by the Lord. Thanks for being bold, crying out to God, and reminding me I am not the only one feeling this way.

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